haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
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