He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
