good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
These tits shall not be calmed
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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