hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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