Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
