I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
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