I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
