I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
