So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
