I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Randomize
