Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
