She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Randomize
