i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
she woke up with a sticky ear
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
