all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
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