I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
