Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Randomize
