There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
True strength comes from lack of pants
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
