Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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