Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
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