Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Randomize
