ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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