I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
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It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
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I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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