I hate all girls vehemently.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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