So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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