Banned from zoo.
Again?
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
