she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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