Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Pants are for mortals
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
