I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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