Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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