I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
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