How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
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