god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
This is classic penis vs brain.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Randomize
