nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
