I think my vagina is haunted
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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