I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
