It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
