the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Randomize
