If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
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