i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Randomize
