He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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