I can feel you judging me through the phone.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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