dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
