when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
