you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Randomize
