It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
