I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Is it penis luge time yet?
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
