you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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