the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Randomize
