I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
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