i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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