We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
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