sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
