I didn't shave. On purpose
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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