he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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