god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Randomize
