My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize