I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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