yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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