you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
