Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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