Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
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