we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
