I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Randomize
