Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
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